spazzlemuffin

It's interesting really...how I can go for a while without posting anything, and then come back, read old entries and laugh at how much things have changed. My livejournal was emo for a very long time...if nobody noticed that...but then it took a sudden turn. No questioning why...but it's funny. Every single journal entry before that even hinted at the person who caused this positive change has always been a rare pleasant one in the midst of depression and other such...emo adjectives and feelings. And it's not only on here that he's managed to do so. He always managed to make me smile when I was in the innermost center of hell. (Yes...T-Ho's...)

Nobody has ever made me feel this amazing.

3 months...In about a half an hour, it'll make 3 months. I can't believe how fast time has gone by. Last I knew I was walking through those front doors, standing behind a couple old people, wringing my hands nervously to ask for an application. You kept looking up at me...I remember that, and you made me even more nervous, but a good nervous. I remember that too. It hasn't gone away. Not even now, a year and four months later.

Can you believe it's been that long?

Who woulda thunk it on those loooong Sundays? That you and me...one day, would be where we are, planning the things we're planning. Who would have imagined that Monica would have been right? I did like you, Marc. I always did. On those cold snowy nights last December, I tried my best NOT to like you. Tried my best NOT to let myself go weak at the knees at the sound of your voice. Tried my best to ignore those feelings. Yes, my eyes were clouded for a while, I'll admit...but underneath it all...there was a reason I couldn't stop thinking of you, even outside of work. There was a reason your name would pop into my head when I felt I should have been thinking of someone else. 

I also think there was a reason your name randomly came up on facebook that day. Why your name appeared a week beforehand on my computer game. And I think that there was also a reason I mustered up the courage to finally speak to you outside of a place where we had been pitted against each other almost. I think there was a reason I never gave up.

And I think, over these past months, we've discovered that reason.

I don't think there are enough ways to thank you for all that you've done for me. For how you make me feel everytime I see your name. For the butterflies that immediately start fluttering at the sound of your voice, or when I see you appear at your doorway when we pick you up. For how safe you make me feel why I'm lying in your arms, listening to the sound of your heartbeat.

So, I'll just have to keep thanking you for the rest of my life, love. And if you ever have a flicker of doubt, let me know, and I'll do anything in my power to make sure you don't feel that way again.

I love you, sweetheart. 
Happy 3rd Muffin Day. <3

How I Feel::

loved

I apologize for the emo-ness, but I need to rant for a moment.
It's not fair. I've finally come to the conclusion that it's just not fair anymore.

What isn't fair exactly?

The world.

It's just not fair. How can people like someone for a week or so and that person immediately fall in love with them?! Every single time, they have a middle person helping them out. Sometimes it's even ME as the middle person, but when it comes down to ME who needs help...

No. I just get backstabbed and betrayed. Those who say they're doing nothing more than trying to help me, end up dating the man I've been in love with for YEARS! Leaving me in this horrible state...

I shouldn't be jealous of my friends. I love seeing them happy like this. Love is in the air! We should be dancing and singing and partying with everyone...

But I feel like such a 5th wheel now. And I don't want to find someone just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I want to find someone special.

I thought I had.

And that was ruined for me.

I just don't want to go through high school alone anymore. It's almost over.

How I Feel::	grumpy
Singing::	Background Music to HP3

Can you say major self-esteem issues?
Rawr, I was feeling good for a while. I was having fun. I felt free and alive, and all that good junk.
And now it's quite the opposite.
I'm tired. Useless. And pathetic.

First of all, that damned boy still has a chokehold on my life. I hate that so much. I hate it and yet...
I do nothing to stop it. I can't just stop talking to him. And I can't ignore the pictures of us from the past couple of years sitting around my room. And gods, my mind just won't let me forget.

And then, to make my oh-so-fabulous mood even better, I was trying on my shorts from last summer...and they feel like I last wore them in kindergarten. I have gained so much friggen weight this year, it pisses me off. I keep saying how I'll go on a diet, or work out, but while I'm still working at T-Ho's, I'm so not going to be able to do that. I come home exhausted and the only thing I want to do is talk to people on the computer. And since I don't eat much at home, I have to eat at work only. And the only thing I'm allowed to eat there is all the junk food. Rawr. It's so bad. None of my jeans fit anymore. Not even from THIS year. 
*dies a lot*
So much for going back to school Senior year looking completely knockout.

How I Feel::

crappy

Hey there friends. It's been a while. I've been everywhere lately, and frankly, if I haven't left my computer, my mind's been all over the place. There is so much to talk about, and I'm not sure how much I want to actually say.
First of all, Michael and Renee are adorable. I love them to pieces and hope they're very happy together. But Michael needs to butt out of my business....(He should know what I'm talking about. Lol. Even though he'll never see this.) They're definitely very funny and seem to really get along well, so I couldn't be happier for them.
Second of all, my inspiration is completely shot. I can't write anything lately and frankly, I don't feel like I have the energy to write something. Yet, I continue to sit here writing things for facebook and livejournal. *sigh* I just...I don't know. I really need to update my stories, but it seems like any motivation I once had to write just flew out the door without saying goodbye. (Or off to camp, rather. *growls*)
Which brings me to my next topic, my so called best friend. First point: I am completely over him. (Okay, not completely, but well on my way, to the point where I spent an entire shift oogling every guy who walked into Tim Hortons under the age of 20 and possibly some over the age of 20. They were customers, how am I supposed to know how old they are?) He doesn't seem to want to talk to me, or tell me anything anymore, and he showed up at my work today...but I didn't say hi to him. He was in the drive thru and I majorly spazzed out. My boss had to tell me to calm down and remember that I'm not working drive-thru...I actually dropped a small coke...ugh. *angry muttering* I was shaking for a while after too. I think it was because I knew he'd be there, and I really didn't want to see him, and was anticipating it so much that when it happened, I just lost control or something. I don't know. It was bad. 
And I can only imagine it'll happen again next Saturday.
Moving on to my next point, I went to my first Mary Kay party. It was fun, but I don't really like makeup. I felt bad, because I was the hostess and I didn't even buy anything from Melissa. It would have cost me $183! I was like: I'm sorry, I really can't. She kept trying to sell it to me...and I was like: Honestly, really...no. I'm not THAT interested. Please refer back to my statement about NOT wearing makeup. But then, I made myself look like an idiot, because I don't know how to put on eyeliner, and I was the only one she gave eyeliner to, and she just watched as I struggled to put it on. After I gave up I was like: "Melissa, I have a confession to make. I don't wear make-up. In drama I have a personal make-up-er, who happens to be a guy...so I really don't do my own make-up, especially eyeliner." She laughged a little. OMG, her son was so cute. He kept taking my hand and trying to lead me all around the house. And then he sat on my lap as I was talking to Melissa alone. He was sooo cute.
But after the Mary Kay thing, we decided that we were going to go back to Tim Ho's, so she could see my new interest. To be honest, he's not so new either. I've kinda liked him since last August, but with all the false hope surrounding said "best friend" I kinda ignored any feelings I had toward this guy. And now, I've decided I really really like him. He was talking about me once I left too...so I was all giggly this afternoon when Melinda told me. She was like: "I didn't even recognize you! I always see you in a visor and with your hair up. You had your hair down and you were all made up. It wasn't until we were back in the kitchen that *insert male name here* told us that it was you!!" But he avoided me...he wouldn't come take my order, and then he disappeared into the kitchen, and occasionally walked out. He made Heather's Iced Capp, but didn't even look at me as he hurriedly tossed it on the counter. I was like: Why are you so embarrassed??? Cause I came to visit youuu?? Teheee...
But anyways! That was fun. And I'm still looking for a new job. I really don't want to work there anymore. I mean, he's pretty much the only reason I'm still there. Along with Kelsey, cause they're the only two I really connect with. And me, Matt and him were a team. Now Matt's gone, and he's gonna be gone too soon, I think...It just won't be the same. Renee says it's cute. She really wants us to get together, but I don't know if he likes me like that. He probably doesn't. They never do. *sigh* Lame. But whatever. I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. I kinda want to ask him if he wants to hang out sometime outside of work, but...I dunno. I'm just not forward at all, so I'd probably never do it. 
Rawr.
I've written too much now. I think I'm going to stop. I think that's enough ranting for one livejournal entry, and probably more than anyone reading this cares to know. So...yeah...Ciao for now!

How I Feel::	giggly
Singing::	"Wind Beneath My Wings"